The Death Of A Spouse At A Young Age

When we get married, many of us expect to live into old age with our spouses. The death of a spouse early in their life leads to a unique bereavement experience for the survivor. When a spouse dies in their 30s, 40s or 50s, they leave behind someone who is much younger than our typical widowed population. Many are parents of very young or school-aged children. The surviving spouse is tasked with newfound singledom and the reality that the hopes and dreams of growing old with their partner will no longer be fulfilled.

This new role as a single young person can lead to protest from the survivor, a very understandable reaction after being robbed of one's partner in life and co-parent. This experience can feel unfair; it was not one's choice to be single and deal with the responsibilities that two once shared. The experience can be isolating; many grief groups for widow and widowers are geared to an older population who is in an entirely different life stage. The loss of a young spouse is overwhelming; young bereaved spouses have work and child-rearing opportunities that often leave little time to grieve. Finally, even in the face of extreme loneliness, many survivors find it difficult to even think about dating again, much less find the time to do so.

Fortunately, there are resources available if you or someone you care about is struggling with this type of loss. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it may be a good place to begin.

Websites:

• www.youngwidow.org
• http://youngwidowsandwidowersblog.blogspot.com/
• meetup.com has a young widow and widower group in the Livonia, MI area as well

Support Groups:

• Arbor Hospice offers Loss of Spouse groups frequently throughout the year. These groups are open to people of all ages, and many include both young and older bereaved spouses.
• Circle of Hope group for young widows and widowers at New Hope Center for Grief Support in Northville, MI.
• If you have kids, Ele's Place offers grief groups for children ages 3-18 in Ann Arbor, Grand Rapids and Lansing, MI. A parent group meets concurrently and offers the opportunity to discuss the experience of losing one's spouse and parenting grieving children.

Books:

• I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can by Linda Feinberg: A guide for young widows and widowers through the normal grieving process that highlights the special circumstances of an untimely death. Young widows and widowers share thoughts and dilemmas about losing a loved one, what to tell young children experiencing a parent's death, returning to work and dealing with in-laws.
• Getting to the Other Side of Grief by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge & Robert De Vries: Both authors had spouses die at young ages; she is a psychologist and he is a pastor, and they each discuss various topics from their respective perspective, specifically written for both widows and widowers.
• How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando: From the publisher: "Mourning the death of a loved one is a process all of us will go through at one time or another. But whether the death is sudden or anticipated, few of us are prepared for it or for the grief it brings. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; each person's response to loss will be different. Now, in this compassionate, comprehensive guide, Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., bereavement specialist and author of Loss and Anticipatory Grief, leads you gently through the painful but necessary process of grieving and helps you find the best way for yourself.

This blog post was written by Becca White, Arbor Hospice Grief Support Coordinator. You may contact Becca by commenting below or emailing her at rwhite@arborhospice.org.

Teens and Grief

What impact can the death of a loved one have on an adolescent?

Adolescence is an exciting, yet anxiety-provoking time for both teenagers and their families. The death of a loved one can throw a wrench into typical developmental tasks such as identity formation, separation from parents, and exploring one's career options. A loss can:

• Alter one's identity: A teen may wonder, "Am I still a brother? Can I continue to be an athlete? Can I trust the world, the community or my family?"
• Lead to exaggerated or hidden emotions: A death can impact the expression of emotion during an already highly emotional time. Feelings about the death may be exaggerated, stuffed out of awareness or a mixture of the two. A teen may hide their true feelings from parents and be more expressive with peers.
• Create a "big man/big woman" syndrome: This is commonly manifested as a teen takes on adult responsibilities, feels that he/she is now the leader of the family or denies the emotional toll of the loss.
• Produce risky behaviors
• Lead to helplessness and feeling overwhelmed
• Influence proximity to home: some teens may stick closer to home and others may desire to be away.
• Drive an adolescent to spend more time with peers

A loss experienced in childhood or adolescence can lead to:

• Impaired relationships with others
• Stunted emotional development
• Inability to cope in a healthy way with future losses
• Decreased academic performance
• Juvenile delinquency
• Gang involvement
• Substance abuse
• Suicide

So how can caring adults help grieving teens?

A basic understanding of the grief process is helpful.

• Grief is holistic; it's any reaction to a loss: emotional, behavioral, social and cognitive.
• Grief is a process, not an event.
• There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Be genuinely interested in the grieving teen.

• Offer a listening ear or to help in some way.
• Be open with your body language, your mind (teens are easy to judge), and your heart. Perhaps the teen will want to discuss their loss with you or something completely different.
• Know that you are helping no matter the topic, as showing that you genuinely care about their pain will in most cases encourage communication.

Finally, if you sense any thoughts or behaviors that can lead to the teen harming themselves or others, take action.

This blog post was written by Becca White, Arbor Hospice Grief Support Coordinator. You may contact Becca by commenting below or emailing her at rwhite@arborhospice.org.

Who Can Benefit From Arbor Hospice Grief Support?

Call me biased, but I believe everyone can benefit from some form of grief support following the death of a loved one. It seems like the biggest misconception about grief support is that it's therapy. To me, the word "therapy" implies dealing with physical or mental pathology.

 

Grief is a normal, natural response to loss, even though a person might feel like they are going crazy after a loved one dies. I blame our grief-avoidant culture and a lack of understanding about the grief process when I need to reassure people that no, you are not going crazy. Grief support is just that- support. A collaboration between the bereaved and the grief professional. Arbor Hospice offers many types of grief support in order to help people cope with the death of a loved one.

Grief is a tremendously isolating experience. One of the ways to overcome social isolation is to join a grief support group. ArborHospice offers a variety of support groups for adults throughout the year. This winter, we are offering groups that specifically address the loss of a spouse, parent, or child. We are also offering a group called "general loss" that is open to any bereaved adult, regardless of the relationship to the deceased. We frequently hear from grief support group participants that the most beneficial aspect of their group experience is that everyone in the room "gets it"- they don't need to explain why their loss is so significant because everyone comes to the table with a shared understanding of what it's like to experience the death of a wife, child, father, sibling or friend. Participants also report that it's very helpful to learn more about the grief process, as well as ways to cope with the loss and continue to include the deceased in their lives. Group members frequently decide to keep meeting on their own after the staff-led group sessions have concluded.

All of our groups are free of charge and open to the public. The groups are limited to 12 participants to guarantee equal time for everyone, and meet once per week for 6-8 weeks. Our general loss group begins February 4 and is still accepting registrations. If a loss of spouse, parent or child grief support group sounds like something you're interested in, we will be offering those groups again in the future. Check our website for the most up-t0-date information.

A grief support group isn't for everyone. Another option is our quarterly "Grief 101: What to expect when grieving" session. Grief 101 is more educational in nature and provides participants with information and resources. The presentation covers what is normal during the grief process, strategies for coping, suggestions for self care, and provides an opportunity to ask questions. If you are a "just the facts, ma'am" type-of-person or are inclined more towards a classroom-style presentation versus a processing group, then Grief 101 is for you. Our next Grief 101 presentation is Tuesday, April 22 from 7-8:30 pm at the Pittsfield Library in Ann Arbor. Call 734-794-5375 to register.

Support groups and Grief 101 presentations are just two examples of the grief support services Arbor Hospice has to offer. For more information on all of our grief support services, please check out our website.

What type of grief support have you found helpful as you've grieved the loss of a loved one?

 

This blog entry was written by Becca White, Arbor Hospice Grief Support Coordinator. You may contact Becca by commenting below or emailing her at rwhite@arborhospice.org.

Three Books To Use With Grieving Children

A book is a very simple and versatile tool to use when talking to children about the end of life and  their grief. Over the years, I have found myself recommending three books time and time again. Here's a brief description of each book and when I typically use each one.

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death
by Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown

When Dinosaurs Die is written at a young reading level and appropriate for both anticipatory grief and bereavement. What I love about the book is that it's broken into short chapters that address very specific aspects of death and grief. For example, "Why does someone die," "What does alive or dead mean," and "Ways to remember someone." The book can certainly be read straight through, however, it's nice to flip to one chapter to address a particular topic. The illustrations are kid friendly and the language is straightforward. The dialogue between the adult and child dinosaurs will give adults good ideas for what to say with their children. If you purchase just one book, this is the one I would suggest. You can find the book here.


Jungle Journey: Grieving and Remembering Elenaor the Elephant by Barbara Betker McIntyre

Jungle Journey is appropriate for bereaved children and young teens, and I have typically used this book to explore different ways people grieve and cope with loss. The book discusses the death of Eleanor (a parental figure) in simple terms. What I really likes is that each of her animal friends has a very distinct emotional and/or behavioral reaction to her death. I find that youth easily identify one or two animals that grieve like they do. After outlining each animal's grief response, the book transitions into ways the animals mourn and support each other as they continue on with life. The illustrations are beautiful and the book normalizes a variety of grief reactions. Jungle Journey is a wonderful tool to facilitate a discussion or art-based activity about grief and healthy coping. Find the book here.


The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
The Invisible String is appropriate for children, teens and adults in both anticipatory grief and bereavement situations. It's my favorite "back door" grief book because it talks about how even though we may be separate from our loved ones (for whatever reason), we are never truly alone and always connected by an invisible string of love. I frequently use The Invisible String with children who are having fear/separation/anxiety issues to reassure them that they will always be connected by love and memories. Adults seem to be profoundly touched by this book's message as well. The Invisible String is a great reminder that no matter what life brings us, we can trust that the love we have for family and friends will be with us forever. You can find the book here.


This blog entry was written by Becca White, Arbor Hospice Grief Support Coordinator. You may contact Becca by commenting below or emailing her at rwhite@arborhospice.org.

Talking to a Child About Death and Dying

I'd like to share a bit about grieving children. I frequently talk to parents and other adults who are concerned about children in hospice families. Naturally, adults tend to be protective of their children and when a family member is dying, this protectiveness tends to intensify.

If you are struggling with breaking the news to a child that a family member is terminally ill, keep in mind your child may already be aware that something is going on - often children know much more than we give them credit for.

Though they may not have been explicitly told yet, children are very good at picking up information from conversations around them. Kids are typically aware of death in general. Remember when you were young, watching Saturday morning cartoons and seeing Wile E Coyote die several times in pursuit of the Road Runner? Children see death in popular media as well as in the animal world around them (think of a dead bird in the yard or a deer by the side of the road).

A child of any age has the capacity to understand the dying process, death and grief. I think oftentimes as caring adults, we get stuck making sure we say the perfect thing or worry that we will somehow harm a child if we bring up these sensitive topics. Our task is to use language appropriate to the child's age and developmental stage to help them understand what is going on. Children have the right to know that a loved one is dying; they deserve the opportunity to anticipate the death and grieve the loss the same as adults. Understanding the reality of death is the first task in anyone's grief process.

I'm sure you're wondering how to go about having these conversations. While this list is in no way exhaustive, here are some tips on what to say and how to say it:

• Consider using a film like The Lion King to help set the stage for the conversation.
• Talk about how all living things die: plants, pets and people. Death is part of the life cycle.
• Use simple, direct language: "Your aunt is very, very sick with cancer. She won't get better and she is dying. People from Arbor Hospice are helping her be more comfortable."
• Use the language of the illness i.e. the name of the disease, as well as the words "hospice," "dying" and so forth.
• Be honest.
• Avoid whispering or altering your tone. This adds to the stigma of terminal illness and death.
• Ask the child if they have any questions of if they are sad, scared, etc.
• Assure children of all ages that they did not cause the illness and they will be cared for.

If you would like more information, please let us know. Arbor Hospice has extensive resources available for additional information. Note that the needs of grieving teens are different and will be discussed in a future blog post.

What concerns do you have about talking to children about death and dying? If you've had these conversations with young people,  what did you say and how did it go?

This blog post was written by Becca White, Arbor Hospice Grief Support Coordinator. You may contact Becca by commenting below or emailing her at rwhite@arborhospice.org.

Holiday Feelings of Disconnect

I was recently the co-facilitator for an Arbor Hospice grief support group where a participant noted that as more time passes since her mother's death, the more disconnected she feels from her. This was troublesome because the participant wanted to maintain connection with her mother while healing at the same time. In a way, she is receiving mixed messages: grief is supposed to get easier with the passage of time, yet, she feels that she is starting to let go of her mother in a way that she does not wish to.

I spent the rest of the evening pondering this notion of disconnection. Gone are the days where grief counselors are encouraging clients to completely sever the relationship with the deceased in order to heal. Our profession has shifted to the idea of continuing bonds, that is, maintaining a relationship with the deceased. Instead of a relationship of presence, we talk about a relationship of memories. However, there is still a forced, non-negotiable disconnection with our loved ones when we die, and oftentimes it's a disconnection that we do not ask for.

The holidays are upon us and this is a time of year when feelings of disconnection and loneliness may intensify. For me, I have felt an undercurrent of sadness amidst celebration during the months of November and December that I haven't always been able to pinpoint. Is it the colder, darker days? Financial strains of holiday shopping? Anxiety about upcoming family get-togethers? People missing their loved ones? I think it could easily be all of this and then some.

So, what does one do to successfully navigate the holidays while grieving? The simple answer (if there is one) is to try to maintain some sort of connection with your loved one, especially if this will be your first holiday season without them. A former colleague used to encourage her clients to focus on the legacy of their loved on, more so than on the loss. Perhaps a way to stay connected is to continue with one or two holiday traditions your loved one really enjoyed: preparing their favorite Thanksgiving dish, playing their favorite holiday music, or taking over a role they once performed like lighting the candles on the menorah. Though they may be painful, these small acts are a way to keep your loved one alive and present during the holidays.

Arbor Hospice is offering special holiday workshops to provide more tips on coping with the holidays. The final two workshops will take place this Sunday, November 17 from 2-3:30 p.m. If you live near Ann Arbor, consider attending the workshop at Malletts Creek Library (3090 E. Eisenhower Parkway). If you live in the downriver area, consider attending the workshop at our office at 21647 Allen Road in Woodhaven. You can find more information about these workshops on our website.

If you have experienced the death of a loved on, what are some ways you have found helpful in coping with the holidays?

This blog post was written by Becca White, Arbor Hospice Grief Support Coordinator. You may contact Becca by commenting below or emailing her at rwhite@arborhospice.org.

The Courage to Grieve

Let's face it: loss hurts. The death of a loved one, the end of a romantic relationship or friendship, financial hardship, changing jobs - these are all common losses we experience. Sometimes, it can seem like life is a series of losses. In our fast-paced, over scheduled culture, it's easier to keep going without pausing to mourn the cumulative losses we face in our lifetimes. Who wants to take time to feel sadness, anger, guilt or emptiness?

Our society has become very grief avoidant. For example, most employers give three days of bereavement leave following the death of a close relative. We are expected to take a few days off, grieve and then return to work renewed and ready to pick up where we left off. We are encouraged to stuff our grief down deep inside so that we can be productive at work and remain engaged with life. I often talk to bereaved clients who intentionally stop their tears from flowing, drag themselves out of their houses to work, to school or to the community center to become immersed in anything but how they are feeling. Or, the exhaust themselves with exercise in order to be able to collapse into bed at night and avoid thinking about their loss.

It takes courage to open up to grief, to intentionally slow down and sit with its ugliness. And grief isn't just ugly. It's messy. It's unpredictable. It doesn't have neat stages, contrary to popular wisdom. Grief can be raw, unadulterated pain if it's allowed to express itself. And human beings don't like to feel pain, especially when the pain is holistic and affects our thoughts, feelings, behavior and spirit.

Experiencing the pain that comes as a natural reaction to loss is what we must do in order to move through the process and eventually heal. Moving through the pain is made easier with good social support, coping skills and self care. I would argue that even with those in place, something more is needed, and that's courage. The courage to know that perhaps it will be worse before it's better. Or that no matter how many people are willing to help and be supportive, the grief process is a path that ultimately must be walked alone. The courage to believe that you will be okay. The courage to keep reaching for life during the darkest days.

In the coming months, we will be sharing stories, experiences and hopefully inspiration for those trying to courageously live with loss. We encourage you to join our discussion by posting your own comments and sharing what you have encountered as you journey through grief.

This blog entry was written by Becca White, Arbor Hospice Grief Support Coordinator. You can contact her by commenting below or emailing her at rwhite@arborhospice.org.

This blog post was inspired by the writings of Judy Tatelbaum, grief expert and author of The Courage to Grieve and You Don't Have to Suffer. Visit her website or her Amazon.com page.