What to Write to a Friend With Terminal Illness

On a flight last month, I introduced myself to seatmates and eventually handed the mother-daughter travelers my condolence tips bookmarks.

"This is great," the daughter said. Her elderly mother remarked, "I live in a retirement community and we lose residents from time to time. The manager sets up a nice tribute display, and I like to send a card to the family." But their next question took an interesting turn.

"We have a couple friends who are terminally ill. I'd like to send a card, but what should I say?"

Let's explore this:

• Terminal illness is "the advanced stage of a disease with an unfavorable prognosis and no known cure."
• A prognosis of a number of months (or years) is not a scheduled departure date. 
• The outward condition (appearance) and functioning of a person with terminal illness will vary and may defy others' expectations. 
• Until you are dead, you are alive. 

Blogger Michelle Devon writes with firsthand knowledge in Dying to Live. She shares some riveting thoughts on the tug-of-war between living to stay alive and being the person you want to be.
"Learning to live with disease that is expected to result in your death absolutely does change your perspective. But as my blog title says, I'm not alive and dying. I'm dying to live!"

I asked Arbor Hospice's Lead Grief Support Services Coordinator, Melissa Schultz, LMSW to comment on the interpersonal challenges of living the "last chapter."

"The diagnosis of a terminal illness can be extremely isolating. Many people back off because they aren't sure what to say and are afraid to say the wrong thing. The most important thing is to offer a comforting presence. Whatever you choose to write, speak from the heart. It's okay to acknowledge the illness in a supportive manner, such as 'I'd like to come visit you, if you're up for it.' It would be a disservice to you and your friend to pretend that nothing has changed, but that doesn't mean they need to be pitied or avoided. As Maya Angelou stated, 'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Every day, in countless scenarios, we have the opportunity to say "thank you, I appreciate you." Keep that in mind during your daily activities and when you write a note to anyone. Here are some suggestions about writing to be a friend with terminal illness:

Don’t Write

Do Write

I’m gonna miss you so much!  Get well soon!  Hey, Steve Jobs lived a long time with his pancreatic cancer, so …  Have you thought of: medical advice/legal or tax advice  What are you going to do about your (special needs family member)  Good riddance to that boring job!  Are the kids finally doing some housework?

CARE: How are you today?  FEEL: I’m so sorry this has happened.  ENCOURAGE: Take care of yourself.  REMEMBER: I am thinking about you. In fact, I was just_____ and I remembered when __.  ROUTINE: Did that last storm send (pet) under the bed?  LISTEN: I would love to share a cup of tea sometime soon; I’m a good listener. By the way, my email is _____  ADMIRE: I admire your courage and always have you in my prayers  AFFECTION: Give my love & hugs to __.

This blog post was written by Deborah R. Chappa, the Condolence Note Coach. She works in a Livonia funeral home and is an author, blogger and instructor on writing condolence notes. She is conducting a workshop on Wednesday, September 10 at 1 p.m. at the Livonia Civic Center Library. To register, call the Adult Services Desk at (734) 466-2590.

Remembering The Legacies of Great Generation Dads

In a recent post by Arbor Hospice volunteer, Dennis Sparks, he outlined how we can fashion legacies through life choices and actions. Dennis also noted the importance of preserving the stories of a family's heritage. He has applied his talents in patient care settings, making audio and video recordings that will stand as remarkable keepsakes.

We are in a time of exodus for a great generation. But men and women born in the first third of the 20th century did not spend much time contemplating their legacies. They worked hard--often with their hands and backs, and often under the duress of worldwide upheaval: the Great Depression, World War II, Booms and Busts and yes, Bubbles.

As the Condolence Note Coach, I encourage everyone to observe, remember, and share. The result--when stories are retold, provides tremendous comfort and insight to persons who grieve. Father's Day nears, and I decided to gather legacy stories of "great generation" Dads. Listening for legacies will be helpful when the time comes to write a condolence note.

Some legacies hold admiration for a character quality

“The memory of my dad’s love for my mother, is a legacy I cherish,” Lyn shared. Though that love was evidenced throughout her life, Lyn remembers her father, Ellis, during his home hospice care: “Even when he was sick and in bed, he wanted to be sitting up, out of the bed, ready to greet his wife when she came home.” The memory is bittersweet for Lyn, long-divorced, but she believes in the "gold standard" for all marriages.

“Daddy was a giving person,” Libby shared, and described how he was never too busy to be helpful, playful or community involved. “Chores were set aside to play a board game or croquet; to ferry me to piano lessons and recitals,” she continued. “I admired him greatly; he’d think nothing of hosting a crab feast in our yard for a big crowd of the Penn Daw Fire Dept. Auxiliary.”

Some legacies are rooted in wonderful experiences

Larry shared, “The legacies my father, Joseph, passed on to me and my seven siblings were not tangible things—like a pocket watch or money—but much more valuable: an all-encompassing value system. I grew up during the Depression, and my dad was busy keeping bread on the table, but found time to nurture our imaginations, our skills, our characters, and our spirits. To me, these legacies never tarnish, never depreciate, never decay throughout life.”

“When I was a boy, I was my dad’s “tag-along” buddy,” remembered Ray. “We’d go to places like the VFW Post, the Knights of Columbus Hall, the barbershop, and bricklaying side jobs at the homes of his friends. I enjoyed being a part of "Alfie’s" world, listening to conversations while having some pop and chips. Dad’s legacy was showing me how to be a good buddy.” Friendship and helping go together, in Ray’s view: “When I help a friend cut down a dead tree or fix a plumbing problem, I know my dad is smiling down on me.”

Old-fashioned, practical advice is a common legacy

“My dad was one to share a few pearls of wisdom,” Christine chuckled. “My favorites are:

1. Honesty is the best policy.

2. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today.

3. If you don't have to stand---sit. If you don't have to sit---lie down.”

Bev grew up in a family business where everyone was involved. “My parents gave me so many life tips, like:

• Take pride in your work and, finish what you start.
• If you can't pay for it with one week’s pay you can't afford it (except for a house and a car.)
• Try to accept others for who they are and remember, we are all different.

And there are legacies that read like an eHow page

“My dad, who was raised on a sugar beet farm, told us that the WHOLE apple is good, and sure enough he would eat the whole thing. And now, I do too.” Christine recently learned that the apple seeds are very nutritious. “People give me surprised looks, and I explain,’that’s what my dad taught me.’”

 

Beverly, just shy of 60, has never been in an accident, thanks to her dad’s bald instruction: “Drive like everyone is out to kill you.”

These most-prized legacies are weightless yet fill the heart. In writing a condolence note when a friend has lost a father (in this example,) recognize something you perceive to be a legacy. It may be an first-hand observation of the man, or a quality of character adopted by the child. Here are some suggestions:

“I could sit for hours listening to your Dad's stories about ____. He will be greatly missed.”

“Your father’s carpentry tools will never grow rusty. Like him, you’re ready to help …”

"Your dad greeted everyone at the church door with a cheery ‘_______’’”

“I remember watching you work on that Camaro, with your Pop …"

"Your father inspired me to volunteer at _____ by his work with ______, "

 

This blog post was written by Deborah R. Chappa, the Condolence Note Coach. She works in a Livonia, Michigan funeral home and is an author, blogger and instructor on writing condolence notes.